I wrote this article a while back, partially to vent and partially by request. I want to dedicate it to all of my incredibly wonderful platonic male friends.
Just Friends
He looked at me across the table at our regular haunt, a coffee shop not too far from my neighbourhood. We had been dating casually for about six months, and it was time for “The Talk.” Decision time over the future course of our courtship had come. Both of us had our doubts, due to various differences in our worldviews, interests, and goals. However, he wanted to make one thing perfectly clear.
“You are such a super, incredible person. If this does not work out, I really hope we can be friends.” It was the kiss of death to our relationship, because basically what he was saying that he thought I was an incredible person – just not good enough for him.
This was not the first time that I have been on the giving or receiving end of the “just friends” scenario. It usually comes at the end of a romantic relationship, when things are fizzling out, but for some reason one or both of us just want to keep hanging on. Sometimes it comes at the beginning, when the chemistry is not right (or there at all), and instead of completely blowing the other person off, being friends seems like a viable option.
Yet now I find myself questioning my motives, as well as those of the other person. It is way too easy to end a relationship, then keep the person around as a friend – just in case one of us changes our minds. Or, as a way of working through unresolved emotions left over after the romance is over.
There don’t seem to be any rules or etiquette when it comes to being friends, post-dating. How much time are you supposed to spend together? Too much can result in a relationship mutation, dating without actually naming the activity as dating. Boundaries become unclear and feelings end up getting hurt.
Going back to being just friends can appear like a natural evolution, a coming full circle. But getting so close changes things, and I find it hard to look at the person the same way as before, especially if it ends badly. However, since most of my boyfriends were platonic friends with me first, making a clean break when the romance is over is difficult. When the person is gone, he leaves a very obvious voice in my life. Can friendship fill that gap, or create more problems?
Let’s look at my track record. Just about every friendship post-romance I have ever had has eventually fizzled out. New girlfriends make me redundant. New boyfriends get jealous. Growing apart, a major reason for relationship breakdown in the first place, takes its toll. I guess when the substance of your conversations consists of “Hi, how are you?” and “How about this weather we’re having?” it’s time to move on.
The whole “just friends” thing might even trivialize friendship itself -- the relationship did not work out, so let’s settle for something less. What then, is friendship? I don’t think I could be a lover to someone without being his friend first. It builds an important foundation. Any two people can have sex. Any two people can go to a concert or other public event. But not every two people can connect on that intellectual, emotional, and sometimes spiritual level that is called true friendship.
And that kind of friendship is a gift and a blessing, not a consolation prize.
Showing posts with label singles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label singles. Show all posts
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
The Fuss About Intermarriage
My culture and faith has profoundly impacted my written work. I used to be the Editor of the Judaism site for BellaOnline.com until time constraints forced me to stop. My work remained on the site for a while but has since vanished from the web. I will be posting some of the more resonant articles I wrote here, to keep them real and alive.
Intermarriage is one of the biggest issues that is blamed for assimilation. Yet the number of Jews who intermarry is on the rise. This really isn't news and in the years since I wrote this article, the rates have only increased.
The Fuss About Intermarriage
When statistics that indicate that, for the most part, 50 per cent of the Jewish people who choose marriage partners choose non-Jewish, the first instinct can be that of alarm. If, that is, you happen to be one of the people who are happily married to a Jewish partner, and/or believe that intermarriage equals the certain destruction of the Jewish people.
I live in a large city with a disproportionately small number of Jews. The intermarriage rate is extremely high. Most of the people who marry Jews either leave the city, or find someone from someplace else who is willing to relocate.
What is a Jew in a small community to do? The Internet has helped create some long-distance matches, but long-distance relationships are not for everyone. Nor is relocation. Staying single out of loyalty has been done, but is not realistic.
There are a lot of Jewish singles in areas of higher Jewish populations, so the problem of finding an appropriate Jewish spouse is universal. When you combine the necessary factors of sharing spiritual goals, feelings for one another, and having enough in common to sustain a marriage, the pickings can suddenly seem very slim.
Without laying blame, or explaining the (mostly obvious) reasons why, intermarriage is a fact of life for contemporary Jews. We can raise children with as many Jewish values as possible, but if there simply are not enough kosher fish in the sea when they grow up, most of them will marry out.
For women, this is not that big of a deal, because our kids are still Jewish in all of the movements. For men, their children will only be considered Jewish in the more left-wing denominations. We cannot bank on false hopes that the Orthodox will ever accept these children as Jewish, or accept Reform conversions as valid.
I have seen that Orthodox communities will still welcome the Jewish spouse in an intermarried couple, and if the woman is the one who is Jewish, the children as well. And Reform, of course, welcomes non-Jewish spouses.
What it comes down to, is whether or not Judaism is passed down through the generations. A child who has had positive experience with Judaism is far more likely to make Jewish choices. Children of intermarriage who experience loving, affirming Jewish grandparents are more likely to stick with Judaism than dive headfirst into the religion of the other parent.
Even if the child is not halachically Jewish, there is still hope -- a boy born to a non-Jewish mother may indeed marry a Jewish girl, thus restoring the lineage. Stranger things have happened.
I honestly believe that deep down inside, a lot of Jews who marry Gentiles wish their partner was Jewish, but due to circumstances beyond their control, it just didn't happen. "Fighting" intermarriage is like fighting industrialization or desegregation. Frowning upon it isn't going to stop it from happening. Disowning our relatives who "marry out" is only going to further alienate them from Judaism.
The worry that intermarriage is going to completely erode Judaism is, I believe, an overreaction. First of all, there is always going to be the Orthodox branch of Judaism, which has the lowest intermarriage rate of all the movements. Secondly, look at all of the adversity that we have survived over the centuries. And yet we are still here.
While I am not going to go so far as to say that intermarriage always has a positive outcome, there are cases where marrying someone who is not Jewish increased one's sense of Jewish identity. Let me explain: when a Jewish person marries a non-Jew, there is negotiation, the explanation of rituals and holidays, and a true effort has to be made to inject Judaism into the home. One has to soul-search about what being Jewish really means. When two secular Jews marry, there are no such issues. You simply exist as a bona fide Jewish family, when the home might actually be devoid of Jewish spiritual flair.
The trend towards intermarriage might very well turn itself around. But I am not counting on it. Whether one's children's children are Jewish will likely depend on too many variables to control. The face of Judaism is changing, while Halacha remains the same. We need to respect our laws and traditions, while accepting change as a fact of life.
Intermarriage is one of the biggest issues that is blamed for assimilation. Yet the number of Jews who intermarry is on the rise. This really isn't news and in the years since I wrote this article, the rates have only increased.
The Fuss About Intermarriage
When statistics that indicate that, for the most part, 50 per cent of the Jewish people who choose marriage partners choose non-Jewish, the first instinct can be that of alarm. If, that is, you happen to be one of the people who are happily married to a Jewish partner, and/or believe that intermarriage equals the certain destruction of the Jewish people.
I live in a large city with a disproportionately small number of Jews. The intermarriage rate is extremely high. Most of the people who marry Jews either leave the city, or find someone from someplace else who is willing to relocate.
What is a Jew in a small community to do? The Internet has helped create some long-distance matches, but long-distance relationships are not for everyone. Nor is relocation. Staying single out of loyalty has been done, but is not realistic.
There are a lot of Jewish singles in areas of higher Jewish populations, so the problem of finding an appropriate Jewish spouse is universal. When you combine the necessary factors of sharing spiritual goals, feelings for one another, and having enough in common to sustain a marriage, the pickings can suddenly seem very slim.
Without laying blame, or explaining the (mostly obvious) reasons why, intermarriage is a fact of life for contemporary Jews. We can raise children with as many Jewish values as possible, but if there simply are not enough kosher fish in the sea when they grow up, most of them will marry out.
For women, this is not that big of a deal, because our kids are still Jewish in all of the movements. For men, their children will only be considered Jewish in the more left-wing denominations. We cannot bank on false hopes that the Orthodox will ever accept these children as Jewish, or accept Reform conversions as valid.
I have seen that Orthodox communities will still welcome the Jewish spouse in an intermarried couple, and if the woman is the one who is Jewish, the children as well. And Reform, of course, welcomes non-Jewish spouses.
What it comes down to, is whether or not Judaism is passed down through the generations. A child who has had positive experience with Judaism is far more likely to make Jewish choices. Children of intermarriage who experience loving, affirming Jewish grandparents are more likely to stick with Judaism than dive headfirst into the religion of the other parent.
Even if the child is not halachically Jewish, there is still hope -- a boy born to a non-Jewish mother may indeed marry a Jewish girl, thus restoring the lineage. Stranger things have happened.
I honestly believe that deep down inside, a lot of Jews who marry Gentiles wish their partner was Jewish, but due to circumstances beyond their control, it just didn't happen. "Fighting" intermarriage is like fighting industrialization or desegregation. Frowning upon it isn't going to stop it from happening. Disowning our relatives who "marry out" is only going to further alienate them from Judaism.
The worry that intermarriage is going to completely erode Judaism is, I believe, an overreaction. First of all, there is always going to be the Orthodox branch of Judaism, which has the lowest intermarriage rate of all the movements. Secondly, look at all of the adversity that we have survived over the centuries. And yet we are still here.
While I am not going to go so far as to say that intermarriage always has a positive outcome, there are cases where marrying someone who is not Jewish increased one's sense of Jewish identity. Let me explain: when a Jewish person marries a non-Jew, there is negotiation, the explanation of rituals and holidays, and a true effort has to be made to inject Judaism into the home. One has to soul-search about what being Jewish really means. When two secular Jews marry, there are no such issues. You simply exist as a bona fide Jewish family, when the home might actually be devoid of Jewish spiritual flair.
The trend towards intermarriage might very well turn itself around. But I am not counting on it. Whether one's children's children are Jewish will likely depend on too many variables to control. The face of Judaism is changing, while Halacha remains the same. We need to respect our laws and traditions, while accepting change as a fact of life.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
The Other Half
My culture and faith has profoundly impacted my written work. I used to be the Editor of the Judaism site for BellaOnline.com until time constraints forced me to stop. My work remained on the site for a while but has since vanished from the web. I will be posting some of the more resonant articles I wrote here, to keep them real and alive.
I got a lot of flack over this piece, mostly by Jewish men saying it just wasn't so. Well, I can tell you from personal experience that it is. I will add that some of the Jewish men I have dated have gone on to marry Jewish women - only after "sowing their wild oats" and/or finding someone matching and essentially secular and tenuous attachment to Judaism as a culture rather than as a faith.
The Other Half
I wanted to call this article "The Problem With Jewish Men," but I decided against it. This is for all of the Jewish women out there having problems finding a partner. The Jewish singles scene is a difficult place. The gripes of Jewish women tend to focus on – you guessed it – Jewish men.
Before I get started, I just want to say that I do not intend to offend anyone here (although I am sure it is more than likely to happen). I like Jewish men. I really do. I find them sexy, funny, intelligent, and cultured. I like dark hair. I like piercing eyes. I like eccentricities. I think it is cool when someone is close with his mom.
So then, why don’t Jewish men like me?
I’m apparently not alone in my amazement. There are multitudes of Jewish women who have a sincere desire to marry a Jewish man, only to take one look at the dating scene, shrug their shoulders, and ask a resounding “huh?”
The first problem is finding where the Jewish men are keeping themselves hidden. Many of us live outside of major Jewish centers, where a Jewish social scene is non-existent. Plus, Jewish men are more likely to fade into the background. According to Jewish relationship pundit Shmuley Boteach, Jewish men are twice as likely to intermarry than Jewish women.
So what happens to the Jewish women? I think we’re more likely simply never to marry at all. After all, Jews in general tend to get married later anyways, and finding decent, available guys in their 30’s and 40’s without excessive baggage or “issues” is about as likely as winning the lottery.
As a last resort, many Jewish singles are turning to online dating services, such as Jdate.com, one of the most popular Jewish dating sites. Purely in the interest of research for this article (why don’t you believe me?), I placed an ad. I used photographs in which I allegedly look good and which reflect my personality. And much to my surprise, there is a fair amount of men in my locale on the system. Most of them I have never met or dated before.
At last count, my profile had been viewed a grand total of – drumroll please – 19 times.
Men who are supposedly interested in marrying a Jewish woman are not even reading the profile of a single, available gal in their own city. Either something is wrong here, or I am horrendously hideous. (In case you would like to judge for yourself, my profile name is ArtsyGal2652)
However, this is apparently a universal problem. A friend who was recently visiting form California has had similar experiences. She does not yet have a photo on her profile, but as soon as she sends a prospective date her snapshot, she stops hearing back from him. And just for comparison’s sake, she is blond-haired, blue-eyed, and slim. So much for the argument that Jewish guys are only looking for skinny blondes.
Oh, but we don’t seem to have any problem finding non-Jewish guys to date. First off, there are far more of them, and secondly, we’re “exotic.” Halachically, our children are Jewish no matter what. Good deal, no?
Not necessarily. Prospective gentile partners have families also who might object; have their own childhood cultural and religious experiences they may want to pass on to their children (and rightfully so); have issues with our Jewish traditions and practises. Some years back I wrote an article about my Jewish and non-Jewish dating experiences, here. Likely one of the most popular articles I have ever written, sadly, nothing much seems to have changed. We either don’t fit the “mythical shiksa” body type, or we are simply “too Jewish” in practise (even if we are not Orthodox. I have had guys cringe and run for cover when I tell them I don’t eat bacon).
Which brings me to another issue. Many of these guys on Jdate are never-married who are also getting on up there in years. I question just how much of a momma’s boy a man 35 and up is who has never been married. Yes, they are looking hard to find a Jewish woman, but with all of their effort, they just don’t seem to find one they can build a life with. Hmmmm. I know what it is – their standards must just be too high. Yeah, that’s right.
So what hope is there for those of us Jewish single gals who have passed the ‘30’ benchmark? I honestly can’t answer that question. And it saddens me. We live in a world where shallowness and liaisons based exclusively on physical attraction reign supreme, and it is pathetic and discouraging that such this worldly influence has infiltrated our ranks. Instant gratification has replaced the pursuit of higher actions leading us into a deeper relationship with the Almighty. Jewish women are guilty of this also, but Jewish men are far more likely to say they want a Jewish woman, then find every excuse under the sun not to marry one.
I got a lot of flack over this piece, mostly by Jewish men saying it just wasn't so. Well, I can tell you from personal experience that it is. I will add that some of the Jewish men I have dated have gone on to marry Jewish women - only after "sowing their wild oats" and/or finding someone matching and essentially secular and tenuous attachment to Judaism as a culture rather than as a faith.
The Other Half
I wanted to call this article "The Problem With Jewish Men," but I decided against it. This is for all of the Jewish women out there having problems finding a partner. The Jewish singles scene is a difficult place. The gripes of Jewish women tend to focus on – you guessed it – Jewish men.
Before I get started, I just want to say that I do not intend to offend anyone here (although I am sure it is more than likely to happen). I like Jewish men. I really do. I find them sexy, funny, intelligent, and cultured. I like dark hair. I like piercing eyes. I like eccentricities. I think it is cool when someone is close with his mom.
So then, why don’t Jewish men like me?
I’m apparently not alone in my amazement. There are multitudes of Jewish women who have a sincere desire to marry a Jewish man, only to take one look at the dating scene, shrug their shoulders, and ask a resounding “huh?”
The first problem is finding where the Jewish men are keeping themselves hidden. Many of us live outside of major Jewish centers, where a Jewish social scene is non-existent. Plus, Jewish men are more likely to fade into the background. According to Jewish relationship pundit Shmuley Boteach, Jewish men are twice as likely to intermarry than Jewish women.
So what happens to the Jewish women? I think we’re more likely simply never to marry at all. After all, Jews in general tend to get married later anyways, and finding decent, available guys in their 30’s and 40’s without excessive baggage or “issues” is about as likely as winning the lottery.
As a last resort, many Jewish singles are turning to online dating services, such as Jdate.com, one of the most popular Jewish dating sites. Purely in the interest of research for this article (why don’t you believe me?), I placed an ad. I used photographs in which I allegedly look good and which reflect my personality. And much to my surprise, there is a fair amount of men in my locale on the system. Most of them I have never met or dated before.
At last count, my profile had been viewed a grand total of – drumroll please – 19 times.
Men who are supposedly interested in marrying a Jewish woman are not even reading the profile of a single, available gal in their own city. Either something is wrong here, or I am horrendously hideous. (In case you would like to judge for yourself, my profile name is ArtsyGal2652)
However, this is apparently a universal problem. A friend who was recently visiting form California has had similar experiences. She does not yet have a photo on her profile, but as soon as she sends a prospective date her snapshot, she stops hearing back from him. And just for comparison’s sake, she is blond-haired, blue-eyed, and slim. So much for the argument that Jewish guys are only looking for skinny blondes.
Oh, but we don’t seem to have any problem finding non-Jewish guys to date. First off, there are far more of them, and secondly, we’re “exotic.” Halachically, our children are Jewish no matter what. Good deal, no?
Not necessarily. Prospective gentile partners have families also who might object; have their own childhood cultural and religious experiences they may want to pass on to their children (and rightfully so); have issues with our Jewish traditions and practises. Some years back I wrote an article about my Jewish and non-Jewish dating experiences, here. Likely one of the most popular articles I have ever written, sadly, nothing much seems to have changed. We either don’t fit the “mythical shiksa” body type, or we are simply “too Jewish” in practise (even if we are not Orthodox. I have had guys cringe and run for cover when I tell them I don’t eat bacon).
Which brings me to another issue. Many of these guys on Jdate are never-married who are also getting on up there in years. I question just how much of a momma’s boy a man 35 and up is who has never been married. Yes, they are looking hard to find a Jewish woman, but with all of their effort, they just don’t seem to find one they can build a life with. Hmmmm. I know what it is – their standards must just be too high. Yeah, that’s right.
So what hope is there for those of us Jewish single gals who have passed the ‘30’ benchmark? I honestly can’t answer that question. And it saddens me. We live in a world where shallowness and liaisons based exclusively on physical attraction reign supreme, and it is pathetic and discouraging that such this worldly influence has infiltrated our ranks. Instant gratification has replaced the pursuit of higher actions leading us into a deeper relationship with the Almighty. Jewish women are guilty of this also, but Jewish men are far more likely to say they want a Jewish woman, then find every excuse under the sun not to marry one.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Moving On When the Relationship is Gone
Back in 2004-ish I wrote a series of articles for a start-up website called RelationshipWellBeing.com. The site was intended to bring together a number of relationship "experts" to discuss aspects of, well, relationships. Amidst the psychologists and therapists there was I, talking about being single, dating, and breaking up from a young woman's point of view. My work got a pretty positive reaction even if the website did not reach the heights its team aspired towards. The site, after years of inactivity, has since gone offline and as a result so have my articles. In an effort to keep them online I am going to be reposting them here. After all, this did start off as a blog about singles' issues. Just bear in mind that these articles are a few years old and as such may not reflect some current situations in society, the online world, and my life.
This is an outline of a seminar I gave over the phone concerning moving on after a breakup. It was a timely topic for me, as I had just gone through a major breakup myself. Following the main presentation, I answered questions from the callers.
Moving On When the Relationship is Gone
Seminar Outline
Introduction
introduce myself
seminar purpose
with the exception of people who meet and marry their first significant others, all of us will experience break-ups
Part One: When It’s Over
knowing when to end a relationship
how to end it
knowing when to let go when the other person ends it
Part Two: Stages of Emotions
losing a relationship can be like a death (stages of grief)
stages:
1) shock
2) bargaining
3) anger
4) acceptance
5) resolution (forgiveness)
stages more intense when you did not want the relationship to end, but differ for everyone
Part Three: Dealing With It
How to prepare to pick up the pieces
Surround yourself with people:
friends/family
church/faith
activities you enjoy
don’t: overindulge (eating, drinking, spending, etc.)
For some, this may mean having to find a new place to live.
Some may decide to relocate, but this is extreme
Part Four: Moving On
Get back into circulation
- take part in singles’ activities
- place personal ads
Even if you’re not ready to get serious, symbolically you are accepting the fact that you’re moving on
Part Five: The Ex Files
Deciding whether or not you can be friends
Handling seeing the person in work or social situations
Beware of unresolved emotions: motive for hanging on
Some situations it is absolutely necessary to get along (if you have children)
Conclusion
better to be alone than with the wrong person
all just stepping stones on the way to finding the right one
This is an outline of a seminar I gave over the phone concerning moving on after a breakup. It was a timely topic for me, as I had just gone through a major breakup myself. Following the main presentation, I answered questions from the callers.
Moving On When the Relationship is Gone
Seminar Outline
Introduction
Part One: When It’s Over
Part Two: Stages of Emotions
1) shock
2) bargaining
3) anger
4) acceptance
5) resolution (forgiveness)
Part Three: Dealing With It
How to prepare to pick up the pieces
Surround yourself with people:
Part Four: Moving On
- take part in singles’ activities
- place personal ads
Even if you’re not ready to get serious, symbolically you are accepting the fact that you’re moving on
Part Five: The Ex Files
Conclusion
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
How to Break Up Gracefully
Back in 2004-ish I wrote a series of articles for a start-up website called RelationshipWellBeing.com. The site was intended to bring together a number of relationship "experts" to discuss aspects of, well, relationships. Amidst the psychologists and therapists there was I, talking about being single, dating, and breaking up from a young woman's point of view. My work got a pretty positive reaction even if the website did not reach the heights its team aspired towards. The site, after years of inactivity, has since gone offline and as a result so have my articles. In an effort to keep them online I am going to be reposting them here. After all, this did start off as a blog about singles' issues. Just bear in mind that these articles are a few years old and as such may not reflect some current situations in society, the online world, and my life.
How to Break Up Gracefully
Most romantic relationships eventually come to an end – except for the one with the person with whom we spend our lives. In every break-up, there are always two sides. Here are some tips to make your side a little easier if you are the one who has to end it.
1. Don’t act surprised or taken aback if your ex gets emotional. It is only natural to feel hurt, even if the writing was on the wall for a while.
2. Say what you need to say, and do not become insulting or derogatory towards the other person.
3. If the other person becomes hostile or irrational, remove yourself as tactfully as possible. Perhaps say something like, “We can discuss this when you are in a more reasonable mood,” then head for the door.
4. Never give the “let’s just be friends” speech, unless you really mean it. Make sure your motives are pure, and that you are not really trying to stay close to your ex just in case you realize you’ve made a mistake. Likewise, if the other person is not interested in staying friends, don’t push it.
5. As much as possible, avoid using those stale clichés: “It’s not you, it’s me.” “I love you, but I am not IN love with you.” Please – we’ve all heard them before, and we know in 99.99 percent of the case they are not even true.
6. Make sure you have returned anything that belongs to the other person, and if he or she later comes to you asking for something of theirs, give it back. Gifts given to each other are never returned (except for an engagement ring).
7. Don’t gossip about your ex, especially to any of your mutual friends and acquaintances.
8. Be clear – the other person has a right to know why you are ending the relationship. Unless, of course, you are leaving an abusive relationship, in which case you need to get out any way you can.
9.“Goodbye sex” is a definite no-no. Besides sending mixed signals, there is always the risk of ending up with a little “surprise” nine months later (believe me, I’ve heard of it happening).
10. At the same time, don’t be afraid to show some emotions. Cry if you have to. After all, this is someone that you spent a significant amount of time and energy caring for. Just because you’re doing the breaking up doesn’t mean there is no pain for you also.
Paula E. Kirman is a freelance writer and website designer in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Her website is: www.mynameispaula.com
How to Break Up Gracefully
Most romantic relationships eventually come to an end – except for the one with the person with whom we spend our lives. In every break-up, there are always two sides. Here are some tips to make your side a little easier if you are the one who has to end it.
1. Don’t act surprised or taken aback if your ex gets emotional. It is only natural to feel hurt, even if the writing was on the wall for a while.
2. Say what you need to say, and do not become insulting or derogatory towards the other person.
3. If the other person becomes hostile or irrational, remove yourself as tactfully as possible. Perhaps say something like, “We can discuss this when you are in a more reasonable mood,” then head for the door.
4. Never give the “let’s just be friends” speech, unless you really mean it. Make sure your motives are pure, and that you are not really trying to stay close to your ex just in case you realize you’ve made a mistake. Likewise, if the other person is not interested in staying friends, don’t push it.
5. As much as possible, avoid using those stale clichés: “It’s not you, it’s me.” “I love you, but I am not IN love with you.” Please – we’ve all heard them before, and we know in 99.99 percent of the case they are not even true.
6. Make sure you have returned anything that belongs to the other person, and if he or she later comes to you asking for something of theirs, give it back. Gifts given to each other are never returned (except for an engagement ring).
7. Don’t gossip about your ex, especially to any of your mutual friends and acquaintances.
8. Be clear – the other person has a right to know why you are ending the relationship. Unless, of course, you are leaving an abusive relationship, in which case you need to get out any way you can.
9.“Goodbye sex” is a definite no-no. Besides sending mixed signals, there is always the risk of ending up with a little “surprise” nine months later (believe me, I’ve heard of it happening).
10. At the same time, don’t be afraid to show some emotions. Cry if you have to. After all, this is someone that you spent a significant amount of time and energy caring for. Just because you’re doing the breaking up doesn’t mean there is no pain for you also.
Paula E. Kirman is a freelance writer and website designer in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Her website is: www.mynameispaula.com
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Living in the Past
Back in 2004-ish I wrote a series of articles for a start-up website called RelationshipWellBeing.com. The site was intended to bring together a number of relationship "experts" to discuss aspects of, well, relationships. Amidst the psychologists and therapists there was I, talking about being single, dating, and breaking up from a young woman's point of view. My work got a pretty positive reaction even if the website did not reach the heights its team aspired towards. The site, after years of inactivity, has since gone offline and as a result so have my articles. In an effort to keep them online I am going to be reposting them here. After all, this did start off as a blog about singles' issues. Just bear in mind that these articles are a few years old and as such may not reflect some current situations in society, the online world, and my life.
This article was written before the rise of social networking sites. Facebook is probably the ultimate example of the points I am trying to make here. Of course, the user fees no longer apply, making digging through one's past all the more attractive since there is no financial cost involved. The emotional costs, however, remain the same.
Living in the Past
“Someone is trying to connect with you.”
“Find an old friend right now.”
“Search for anyone, anytime.”
Barely a day goes by without me receiving some sort of e-mail advertisement enticing me to look up someone from my past. For a fee, of course.
The purveyors of companies that do personal searches are making some very big assumptions. They are assuming there is actually someone for whom you would be willing to shell out the shekels just to track down. And in the event that there is some former friend you would want to reach out and touch, your shekels would go down the drain to learn that he or she is not interested in communicating with you.
Obviously though, for some people it is worth the risk, otherwise these companies would not be in business. While I haven’t done any scientific studies on this topic, most of the people who utilize such services are probably either looking for an old flame, or trying to reconnect with someone they had a crush on way back when.
One of the better-known purveyors of the past is an online service that allows one to hook up with old schoolmates. I admit that while it is very interesting to see the names of my old classmates all lined up and teasing for me to take a look, I have yet to bite the bullet and actually pay the required fee.
I find myself having to question my motives before I whip out my credit card. It is normal to wonder what happened to people that you knew, especially those who you presumably cared about. This is called natural curiosity. It’s also normal to see if that tramp who stole your boyfriend in high school married him or ended up pregnant and dumped. Or, if the class jock who thought he was such hot stuff and used to give you wedgies is now in rehab. This is called morbid curiosity.
I am willing to bet that the majority of people who utilize services that purvey a blast from the past, have secret hopes of picking up where they left off. People who are still single and, in times of loneliness or just extreme sentimentality, harken back to the good times they had with that special someone. We tend to romanticize the past – we focus on the aspects of long-lost relationships that were positive, and miss them. But we also have to remember that an ex is an ex for a reason.
Then there are those who have had a long-standing secret crush on someone. Perhaps they were too shy back in high school to voice their feelings. Or the person was taken, or otherwise not interested. But if you are still single, or single again, and finding a desire to reach out and touch someone from days gone by, ask yourself this question: Will it really improve your fragile state of mind any, to find out that the cute guy who sat next to you in grade eight is now married with three children? Is a priest? Is undergoing a gender reassignment?
Then again, closure is an important aspect of moving on.
Digging into the past can extend beyond the romantic sphere, and into our day-to-day social lives. A former teacher of mine once told the class that when a certain group of his friends get together, all they can talk about is high school. Yes, it is an important time of life, but for some reason something was holding these people back from talking about anything that occurred after senior prom. And I have to admit that I do tend to discuss my university days quite often. It was a time in my life when my attitudes and worldview took a major turn, my career was chosen, and I began to embark upon what became a string of romantic disasters. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.
Thanks to the Internet, checking up on someone is easy as long as the other person has some sort of online presence. A friend of mine who recently completed graduate school in journalism, told me that a popular pastime amongst the students was “Googling” their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. But very few actually dared to make contact. Satisfying the urge to answer the question, “Where are they now?” was enough.
And if living in the past is distracting you from moving on, enough certainly is enough. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting about failed relationships or long-lost friends. But if our hearts and minds are always in the past, then we will not have enough energy left to head towards the future.
Paula E. Kirman is a freelance writer in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Her website is: www.MyNameIsPaula.com.
This article was written before the rise of social networking sites. Facebook is probably the ultimate example of the points I am trying to make here. Of course, the user fees no longer apply, making digging through one's past all the more attractive since there is no financial cost involved. The emotional costs, however, remain the same.
Living in the Past
“Someone is trying to connect with you.”
“Find an old friend right now.”
“Search for anyone, anytime.”
Barely a day goes by without me receiving some sort of e-mail advertisement enticing me to look up someone from my past. For a fee, of course.
The purveyors of companies that do personal searches are making some very big assumptions. They are assuming there is actually someone for whom you would be willing to shell out the shekels just to track down. And in the event that there is some former friend you would want to reach out and touch, your shekels would go down the drain to learn that he or she is not interested in communicating with you.
Obviously though, for some people it is worth the risk, otherwise these companies would not be in business. While I haven’t done any scientific studies on this topic, most of the people who utilize such services are probably either looking for an old flame, or trying to reconnect with someone they had a crush on way back when.
One of the better-known purveyors of the past is an online service that allows one to hook up with old schoolmates. I admit that while it is very interesting to see the names of my old classmates all lined up and teasing for me to take a look, I have yet to bite the bullet and actually pay the required fee.
I find myself having to question my motives before I whip out my credit card. It is normal to wonder what happened to people that you knew, especially those who you presumably cared about. This is called natural curiosity. It’s also normal to see if that tramp who stole your boyfriend in high school married him or ended up pregnant and dumped. Or, if the class jock who thought he was such hot stuff and used to give you wedgies is now in rehab. This is called morbid curiosity.
I am willing to bet that the majority of people who utilize services that purvey a blast from the past, have secret hopes of picking up where they left off. People who are still single and, in times of loneliness or just extreme sentimentality, harken back to the good times they had with that special someone. We tend to romanticize the past – we focus on the aspects of long-lost relationships that were positive, and miss them. But we also have to remember that an ex is an ex for a reason.
Then there are those who have had a long-standing secret crush on someone. Perhaps they were too shy back in high school to voice their feelings. Or the person was taken, or otherwise not interested. But if you are still single, or single again, and finding a desire to reach out and touch someone from days gone by, ask yourself this question: Will it really improve your fragile state of mind any, to find out that the cute guy who sat next to you in grade eight is now married with three children? Is a priest? Is undergoing a gender reassignment?
Then again, closure is an important aspect of moving on.
Digging into the past can extend beyond the romantic sphere, and into our day-to-day social lives. A former teacher of mine once told the class that when a certain group of his friends get together, all they can talk about is high school. Yes, it is an important time of life, but for some reason something was holding these people back from talking about anything that occurred after senior prom. And I have to admit that I do tend to discuss my university days quite often. It was a time in my life when my attitudes and worldview took a major turn, my career was chosen, and I began to embark upon what became a string of romantic disasters. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.
Thanks to the Internet, checking up on someone is easy as long as the other person has some sort of online presence. A friend of mine who recently completed graduate school in journalism, told me that a popular pastime amongst the students was “Googling” their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. But very few actually dared to make contact. Satisfying the urge to answer the question, “Where are they now?” was enough.
And if living in the past is distracting you from moving on, enough certainly is enough. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting about failed relationships or long-lost friends. But if our hearts and minds are always in the past, then we will not have enough energy left to head towards the future.
Paula E. Kirman is a freelance writer in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Her website is: www.MyNameIsPaula.com.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
My Life in the Movies
Back in 2004-ish I wrote a series of articles for a start-up website called RelationshipWellBeing.com. The site was intended to bring together a number of relationship "experts" to discuss aspects of, well, relationships. Amidst the psychologists and therapists there was I, talking about being single, dating, and breaking up from a young woman's point of view. My work got a pretty positive reaction even if the website did not reach the heights its team aspired towards. The site, after years of inactivity, has since gone offline and as a result so have my articles. In an effort to keep them online I am going to be reposting them here. After all, this did start off as a blog about singles' issues. Just bear in mind that these articles are a few years old and as such may not reflect some current situations in society, the online world, and my life.
In this particular article, the movie examples I cite are somewhat dated (although still perfectly relevant to the points I am trying to make) and contrary to what I say about myself in the fist line, I have since become a movie buff.
My Life in the Movies
I’m not a movie person, so it was very much against my nature to watch two movies in one week: My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Mambo Italiano.
I’ve been meaning to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding, for, oh, about two years now – but I just never got around to it. Commitment has always been a problem for me. Plus, after seeing trailer after trailer for it, and from the many comments of other people, I think I had the storyline pretty down pat. And I did. Not only because of the giveaway remarks, but when ethnicity and over-protective parents collide, I think I have the basic plot pretty well down pat.
It was this exact combination that was one of the reasons I delayed seeing the movie for so long. I was afraid that Toula’s overbearing father would remind me too much of my own parents. Coming from a traditional Jewish family, the pressure to marry someone of the same religion is pretty much the same as on her to marry someone Greek. I live that life everyday – I don’t have to see it on the screen, be it big or small. To me, that’s not entertainment – that’s masochism.
While seeing the movie was not as painful an experience as I had anticipated, I did not find My Big Fat Greek Wedding to be particularly funny. Don’t get me wrong – it was a wonderful hour and a half of pure escapist entertainment, which I could measure by the time that flew by with nary a bathroom break – but it also didn’t run particularly deep. It moved along too quickly, the characters were one-dimensional, and frankly, I found Toula’s parents’ turnaround at the end to be contrived. But then again, perhaps that’s just me putting my own baggage into the storyline.
And then, there was Mambo Italiano. Another hour and a half of a similar theme, except this time the family was Italian, and it was a gay couple at the center of the film. This movie was Greek Wedding on steroids – the parents were far more stereotypically smothering and guilt-inflicting than their Greek counterparts. The way the parents bickered with each other, the neurotic relatives, the emphasis on living up to the expectations of others – this resonated with me deeply. My mother always told me that Jews and Italians have a lot in common. We’re both very clean people, with strong family values. She would know – she grew up in a New York Jewish neighborhood, interspersed with Italians.
Both movies deal with breaking traditions, while Mambo Italiano digs far deeper into issues in approximately the same amount of time. I’m not gay, but I could easily relate to Angelo’s desire for his parents to accept him for who he is, while at the same time strive to be “normal” in spite of one’s upbringing (which, of course, was done with the best of intentions on the parents’ part). I laughed more deeply, and cried harder. It made me relive scenes from my childhood. And it was much cheaper than visiting a therapist!
The role of ethnicity in relationships has much to do with our families of origin. If your family did not care about whether or not you dated or married outside of your culture, then odds have it that you didn’t care either. But if preserving ethnic bloodlines, heritage, or simply carrying a deep-seated cultural pride into a romantic relationship was the expectation, the voices of our parents carry on with us, even if we choose partners of a different culture.
Traditions, customs, and even simple things such as how to spend mealtimes and holidays, are all things that need to be negotiated in relationships. Like in Greek Wedding, with marrying someone of a different culture comes the fear of not carrying on those traditions. And in Mambo Italiano, living a different lifestyle altogether is a threat to a cultural dynamic (as Angelo says to the anonymous therapist on the Gay Helpline, there is nothing worse for an Italian than being gay).
For me, being Jewish is an important part of who I am, mainly because it was important to my parents. Even when I at times am not being the model of a nice Jewish girl, I never forget where I come from. Which was not always functional (and still isn’t), and I am quick to poke fun at many of the stereotypical aspects of my parents and peers.
But when the cards are put on the table in a relationship, my Judaism is not negotiable. When a man cannot deal with my desire to join me as I maintain my sometimes tenuous connection to my heritage, I am gone. But to my parents, if a man is not Jewish, he is not acceptable, period -- even if he buys into my lifestyle hook, line, and kosher.
My parents and I are living examples of the changing attitude towards the role of ethnicity in relationships, from one generation to the next. To risk sounding too much like Reb Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, on the one hand we have the desire to hold on to a part of ourselves, while on the other hand, we seek to separate from our families and forge our own identity. Choosing the “right” partner takes precedence over choosing someone with the same background as ourselves.
Movies like My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Mambo Italiano are becoming the storylines for the lives of more and more people. Who knows? Maybe one day I will be starring in one of my own.
Paula E. Kirman is a writer, editor, and website designer in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Her website is: www.mynameispaula.com
In this particular article, the movie examples I cite are somewhat dated (although still perfectly relevant to the points I am trying to make) and contrary to what I say about myself in the fist line, I have since become a movie buff.
My Life in the Movies
I’m not a movie person, so it was very much against my nature to watch two movies in one week: My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Mambo Italiano.
I’ve been meaning to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding, for, oh, about two years now – but I just never got around to it. Commitment has always been a problem for me. Plus, after seeing trailer after trailer for it, and from the many comments of other people, I think I had the storyline pretty down pat. And I did. Not only because of the giveaway remarks, but when ethnicity and over-protective parents collide, I think I have the basic plot pretty well down pat.
It was this exact combination that was one of the reasons I delayed seeing the movie for so long. I was afraid that Toula’s overbearing father would remind me too much of my own parents. Coming from a traditional Jewish family, the pressure to marry someone of the same religion is pretty much the same as on her to marry someone Greek. I live that life everyday – I don’t have to see it on the screen, be it big or small. To me, that’s not entertainment – that’s masochism.
While seeing the movie was not as painful an experience as I had anticipated, I did not find My Big Fat Greek Wedding to be particularly funny. Don’t get me wrong – it was a wonderful hour and a half of pure escapist entertainment, which I could measure by the time that flew by with nary a bathroom break – but it also didn’t run particularly deep. It moved along too quickly, the characters were one-dimensional, and frankly, I found Toula’s parents’ turnaround at the end to be contrived. But then again, perhaps that’s just me putting my own baggage into the storyline.
And then, there was Mambo Italiano. Another hour and a half of a similar theme, except this time the family was Italian, and it was a gay couple at the center of the film. This movie was Greek Wedding on steroids – the parents were far more stereotypically smothering and guilt-inflicting than their Greek counterparts. The way the parents bickered with each other, the neurotic relatives, the emphasis on living up to the expectations of others – this resonated with me deeply. My mother always told me that Jews and Italians have a lot in common. We’re both very clean people, with strong family values. She would know – she grew up in a New York Jewish neighborhood, interspersed with Italians.
Both movies deal with breaking traditions, while Mambo Italiano digs far deeper into issues in approximately the same amount of time. I’m not gay, but I could easily relate to Angelo’s desire for his parents to accept him for who he is, while at the same time strive to be “normal” in spite of one’s upbringing (which, of course, was done with the best of intentions on the parents’ part). I laughed more deeply, and cried harder. It made me relive scenes from my childhood. And it was much cheaper than visiting a therapist!
The role of ethnicity in relationships has much to do with our families of origin. If your family did not care about whether or not you dated or married outside of your culture, then odds have it that you didn’t care either. But if preserving ethnic bloodlines, heritage, or simply carrying a deep-seated cultural pride into a romantic relationship was the expectation, the voices of our parents carry on with us, even if we choose partners of a different culture.
Traditions, customs, and even simple things such as how to spend mealtimes and holidays, are all things that need to be negotiated in relationships. Like in Greek Wedding, with marrying someone of a different culture comes the fear of not carrying on those traditions. And in Mambo Italiano, living a different lifestyle altogether is a threat to a cultural dynamic (as Angelo says to the anonymous therapist on the Gay Helpline, there is nothing worse for an Italian than being gay).
For me, being Jewish is an important part of who I am, mainly because it was important to my parents. Even when I at times am not being the model of a nice Jewish girl, I never forget where I come from. Which was not always functional (and still isn’t), and I am quick to poke fun at many of the stereotypical aspects of my parents and peers.
But when the cards are put on the table in a relationship, my Judaism is not negotiable. When a man cannot deal with my desire to join me as I maintain my sometimes tenuous connection to my heritage, I am gone. But to my parents, if a man is not Jewish, he is not acceptable, period -- even if he buys into my lifestyle hook, line, and kosher.
My parents and I are living examples of the changing attitude towards the role of ethnicity in relationships, from one generation to the next. To risk sounding too much like Reb Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, on the one hand we have the desire to hold on to a part of ourselves, while on the other hand, we seek to separate from our families and forge our own identity. Choosing the “right” partner takes precedence over choosing someone with the same background as ourselves.
Movies like My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Mambo Italiano are becoming the storylines for the lives of more and more people. Who knows? Maybe one day I will be starring in one of my own.
Paula E. Kirman is a writer, editor, and website designer in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Her website is: www.mynameispaula.com
Friday, June 26, 2009
Why Am I Still Single?
Back in 2004-ish I wrote a series of articles for a start-up website called RelationshipWellBeing.com. The site was intended to bring together a number of relationship "experts" to discuss aspects of, well, relationships. Amidst the psychologists and therapists there was I, talking about being single, dating, and breaking up from a young woman's point of view. My work got a pretty positive reaction even if the website did not reach the heights its team aspired towards. The site, after years of inactivity, has since gone offline and as a result so have my articles. In an effort to keep them online I am going to be reposting them here. After all, this did start off as a blog about singles' issues. Just bear in mind that these articles are a few years old and as such may not reflect some current situations in society, the online world, and my life.
Why Am I Still Single?
It is the number one question that singles get asked, especially if you are over the age of 30: why are you still single? It has many variations, sometimes phrased as a comment, rather than a question – “I can’t believe a nice girl/guy like you is still single,” followed by the more direct and probing: “When do you think you’ll get married?”
As mature singles, we ask the exact same question –but not to each other. Rather, we ask ourselves in times of loneliness or frustration: “Why am I still single?”
Most of us have a timeline in which we expect or want to be married with a family. Thirty tends to be that magic number. For some, it may be 25, but 30 is definitely a marker on the far end of the map.
To be single, over 30, and a woman is not as big of a stigma as it was in years past. But it can still weigh on one’s mind. When I am asked that inevitable question, a few things pop into my mind.
I’ve always been one of these people with an uncanny sense of telling when there is going to be a problem, before it becomes a problem. If I ever went for another career, my friends have told me that I should go into disaster planning. Perhaps always being able to second-guess situations might be good for survival in a war or tornado, but it’s not necessarily good for survival in relationships. After all, no one is perfect. All of my friends who are “happily” married have their share of problems too. It’s just that they have learned to deal with them. Negotiation, and, frankly, love covers a multitude of quirks.
Yet my foresight into the characters of other people has earned me the brand of being mature beyond my years (I was told that in my early 20’s), and full of wisdom and discernment (buzzwords from my religious friends). Upon reflection, I have been either extremely smart, or extremely stupid. I know for sure that I have averted at least a couple of marital disasters. But there have also been situations where I think I may have just given up too easily.
Had I gone down any of the paths formerly before me, wearing a white dress, by now I would possibly be divorced, like a single parent – both of which also carry with them little of the stigma of our parents’ generation. My biological clock would not be ticking as loudly, because I would already have children. But in most ways, I would simply have traded one set of problems for another.
I don’t have a bitter ex trying to make my life miserable. I am not myself a bitter ex trying to pull the pieces of my life back together. Rarely have I ever seen a divorce where everyone involved parted ways peacefully. I have become a sounding board for my friends, a witness to the carnage of lives tearing apart.
However, the desire to avoid the War of the Roses just doesn’t seem to be an acceptable response to the barrage of socially awkward questions. Here are some witty repartees I have collected, courtesy of other mature, single adults:
Question: Why are you still single?
Answer: I don’t know – maybe you should ask my ex’s.
Question: Would you like me to fix you up with someone?
Answer: Why do I need to be fixed up? Am I broken?
Question: Don’t you feel your biological clock ticking?
Answer: I am not sure about that, but I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my rear end.
One of my favorites came in the form of a postcard that I saw at a gift shop. An older woman is asking a younger women why she isn’t married. “I forgot,” was her flip answer.
It really isn’t a joke. We are all so busy these days with advanced education, careers, social causes, hobbies and activities, and a variety of other distractions to occupy our time, that the void left by not having a significant other, really isn’t all that significant after all.
Yet there is always a part of a single person that worries he or she will never find lasting love. Being continually faced with questions that are awkward at best, and insensitive at worst, does not help single people feel comfortable with who they are. The focus should be on not how to answer these questions, but to discourage them being asked in the first place.
Paula E. Kirman is a freelance writer and website designer in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Her website is: www.mynameispaula.com
Why Am I Still Single?
It is the number one question that singles get asked, especially if you are over the age of 30: why are you still single? It has many variations, sometimes phrased as a comment, rather than a question – “I can’t believe a nice girl/guy like you is still single,” followed by the more direct and probing: “When do you think you’ll get married?”
As mature singles, we ask the exact same question –but not to each other. Rather, we ask ourselves in times of loneliness or frustration: “Why am I still single?”
Most of us have a timeline in which we expect or want to be married with a family. Thirty tends to be that magic number. For some, it may be 25, but 30 is definitely a marker on the far end of the map.
To be single, over 30, and a woman is not as big of a stigma as it was in years past. But it can still weigh on one’s mind. When I am asked that inevitable question, a few things pop into my mind.
I’ve always been one of these people with an uncanny sense of telling when there is going to be a problem, before it becomes a problem. If I ever went for another career, my friends have told me that I should go into disaster planning. Perhaps always being able to second-guess situations might be good for survival in a war or tornado, but it’s not necessarily good for survival in relationships. After all, no one is perfect. All of my friends who are “happily” married have their share of problems too. It’s just that they have learned to deal with them. Negotiation, and, frankly, love covers a multitude of quirks.
Yet my foresight into the characters of other people has earned me the brand of being mature beyond my years (I was told that in my early 20’s), and full of wisdom and discernment (buzzwords from my religious friends). Upon reflection, I have been either extremely smart, or extremely stupid. I know for sure that I have averted at least a couple of marital disasters. But there have also been situations where I think I may have just given up too easily.
Had I gone down any of the paths formerly before me, wearing a white dress, by now I would possibly be divorced, like a single parent – both of which also carry with them little of the stigma of our parents’ generation. My biological clock would not be ticking as loudly, because I would already have children. But in most ways, I would simply have traded one set of problems for another.
I don’t have a bitter ex trying to make my life miserable. I am not myself a bitter ex trying to pull the pieces of my life back together. Rarely have I ever seen a divorce where everyone involved parted ways peacefully. I have become a sounding board for my friends, a witness to the carnage of lives tearing apart.
However, the desire to avoid the War of the Roses just doesn’t seem to be an acceptable response to the barrage of socially awkward questions. Here are some witty repartees I have collected, courtesy of other mature, single adults:
Question: Why are you still single?
Answer: I don’t know – maybe you should ask my ex’s.
Question: Would you like me to fix you up with someone?
Answer: Why do I need to be fixed up? Am I broken?
Question: Don’t you feel your biological clock ticking?
Answer: I am not sure about that, but I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my rear end.
One of my favorites came in the form of a postcard that I saw at a gift shop. An older woman is asking a younger women why she isn’t married. “I forgot,” was her flip answer.
It really isn’t a joke. We are all so busy these days with advanced education, careers, social causes, hobbies and activities, and a variety of other distractions to occupy our time, that the void left by not having a significant other, really isn’t all that significant after all.
Yet there is always a part of a single person that worries he or she will never find lasting love. Being continually faced with questions that are awkward at best, and insensitive at worst, does not help single people feel comfortable with who they are. The focus should be on not how to answer these questions, but to discourage them being asked in the first place.
Paula E. Kirman is a freelance writer and website designer in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Her website is: www.mynameispaula.com
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