Thursday, May 31, 2007

Laying It Down

Those of you who read my blog on a regular basis know that a few months back I purchased a Hebrew wedding ring off of eBay. I wanted to actually own a wedding ring and know what it is like to wear one. Because I realized it was not a "real" wedding ring, I bought it in silver and not gold.

Anyways, the ring has a very wide shank, and as a result even though I ordered the ring size I normally wear, it was too small. I took it to one jeweller who did not size it up enough - the weather was still cold outside and it just barely fit, even though if I wore it for any length of time I needed to screw the thing off with all my strength. I took it last week to another jeweller who I hoped could finish the job. I was assured they could, and left the ring there. Then, the other day I got a call from the store and was told that because the ring was rhodium plated, they could not do any sizing or else the details would come off. So, I am stuck with a ring that does not fit any of my fingers, except for my left thumb, upon which I actually wore the ring yesterday.

I am at the point where I have to lay the ring down, and with it, my dreams of ever getting married. While I am usually not too quick to read signs into things, I found this whole experience to be indicative of the fact that I may very well never get married, and I have to mentally prepare myself for that possibility. I am simply not meant to wear a wedding ring at this time. Trying to force the issue by buying myself one, will not change my situation at all.

I also have a copy of the book my spiritual leader uses in his pre-marital counselling sessions with couples - I bought it a few years ago when it looked like I may have been heading in that direction. Now it is just gathering dust and I am thinking of selling it or giving it away, or maybe even burning it in a "I am giving this up" sort of ceremony.

I'm learning to lay it down and just accept my life for what it is.

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