Just Friends

I wrote this article a while back, partially to vent and partially by request. I want to dedicate it to all of my incredibly wonderful platonic male friends.

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Just Friends

He looked at me across the table at our regular haunt, a coffee shop not too far from my neighbourhood. We had been dating casually for about six months, and it was time for “The Talk.” Decision time over the future course of our courtship had come. Both of us had our doubts, due to various differences in our worldviews, interests, and goals. However, he wanted to make one thing perfectly clear.

“You are such a super, incredible person. If this does not work out, I really hope we can be friends.” It was the kiss of death to our relationship, because basically what he was saying that he thought I was an incredible person – just not good enough for him.

This was not the first time that I have been on the giving or receiving end of the “just friends” scenario. It usually comes at the end of a romantic relationship, when things are fizzling out, but for some reason one or both of us just want to keep hanging on. Sometimes it comes at the beginning, when the chemistry is not right (or there at all), and instead of completely blowing the other person off, being friends seems like a viable option.

Yet now I find myself questioning my motives, as well as those of the other person. It is way too easy to end a relationship, then keep the person around as a friend – just in case one of us changes our minds. Or, as a way of working through unresolved emotions left over after the romance is over.

There don’t seem to be any rules or etiquette when it comes to being friends, post-dating. How much time are you supposed to spend together? Too much can result in a relationship mutation, dating without actually naming the activity as dating. Boundaries become unclear and feelings end up getting hurt.

Going back to being just friends can appear like a natural evolution, a coming full circle. But getting so close changes things, and I find it hard to look at the person the same way as before, especially if it ends badly. However, since most of my boyfriends were platonic friends with me first, making a clean break when the romance is over is difficult. When the person is gone, he leaves a very obvious voice in my life. Can friendship fill that gap, or create more problems?

Let’s look at my track record. Just about every friendship post-romance I have ever had has eventually fizzled out. New girlfriends make me redundant. New boyfriends get jealous. Growing apart, a major reason for relationship breakdown in the first place, takes its toll. I guess when the substance of your conversations consists of “Hi, how are you?” and “How about this weather we’re having?” it’s time to move on.

The whole “just friends” thing might even trivialize friendship itself -- the relationship did not work out, so let’s settle for something less. What then, is friendship? I don’t think I could be a lover to someone without being his friend first. It builds an important foundation. Any two people can have sex. Any two people can go to a concert or other public event. But not every two people can connect on that intellectual, emotional, and sometimes spiritual level that is called true friendship.

And that kind of friendship is a gift and a blessing, not a consolation prize.

Drumming, Caravanistas, and Life: Mid-Week to Weekend Recap

July 1 was Canada Day. It felt strange to have a holiday in the middle of the week. Most of my friends who work regular jobs were slightly ticked at the fact that they could not turn it into a long weekend. Lots of celebrations went on around the city, but since I hate flag-waving nationalism even more than I hate crowds, I opted not to go to any of them. Instead, I opted for a bike ride and took some pictures around the grounds of the Royal Alberta Museum.

On Saturday, I played drums for the first time in months. The coolest part was when I was warming up by attempting to play "Wipe Out" (albeit much slower than the real thing) and someone actually recognized it! My philosophy on drumming is that you have to be totally into the music. Your headspace has to be concentrating on all the other instruments around you. One wrong move, and you can throw off the whole works. I think it is a good idea for someone who plays the drums to also play another instrument to have a better understanding of orchestration, dynamics, and timing.

That afternoon, after lunch at Ricky's, I went to a presentation by Pastors for Peace about their annual caravan down to Cuba, bringing with them much-needed medical supplies and other necessities. This is the organization's way of trying to break the US embargo on Cuba which is starving the people there. The keynote speaker was a "caravanista," and we saw a short film about a school bus that was detained on its way to Cuba. Notre Dame Des Bananes and The People's Poets performed some socially conscious music. Here are some pictures.

On Sunday I went to a bridal shower, which was a lot of fun. I got to spend time with a lot of friends and met a lot of new people, which is always a good thing. I took a lot of pictures, which went on Facebook - so if you want to see them, you have to add me as a friend (hee hee!). Seriously, I don't put "family" photos on Flickr. Anyways, if you ever want to make new friends, carry a camera with you - I am telling you, it has saved my social life many times over the years!

This past week, I also wrote a review of The Hydeaway which I neglected to do back when I saw Yves Engler speak there last month. Last Thursday and Friday were spent distributing the July/August issue of Boyle McCauley News, which included putting a distribution box in front of the Italian Centre! Passers-by can now grab a copy of the paper without having to run around in curcles trying to find one (we also have copies in the Italian Centre, Zocalo, the Mohawk on 87th and 108 Ave., and Mini-Mart on 95 St. and 107A Ave.). The web version of the paper should be coming imminently. The article I wrote for the Phoenix Multi-Faith Society about the Genocide Memorial Garden dedication ceremony is also now online.

Friendship Bag

We have a program called Secret Sisters at our congregation. The women fill out information cards, and then we put the cards together and do a draw. The person whose card we pull is our "Secret Sister" for a pre-determined length of time. We hold this person up in prayer, send encouraging notes, and occasionally a small gift -- all anonymously, until the cycle is over and we reveal ourselves.

For my birthday (which is today), my Secret Sister left a gift bagin the Sanctuary, with a card, and two small gifts. One is a desk ornament (a very cute metal dog) and the other is a "Friendship Bag." It's a bag full of different things, with an explanation on the outside. The items are symbolic representations of different aspects of friendship, using tangible items. Here is the list:

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This Friendship Bag contains a few reminders of friendship.

Lifesavers - to remind you of the many times others may need your help and you need theirs.

Cottom Ball - for the rough roads ahead; seek the cushioned support of your family and friends.

Rubber Band - a reminder to stay flexible.

Sweet and Sour Candy - to help you appreciate the differences in others.

Candy Kiss - to reminder you that we all need hugs and kisses.

Happy Face - smiling not only increases your face value, it is contangious.

Candle - to remind you to share your light with others.

Band Aid - for healing hurt feelings; yours or someone else's.

Recipe Card - to share a favourite receipe with a friend as a symbol of caring.

Eraser - to remind you that every day you can start over with a clean slate.

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I think friendship bags could be made with a variety of different items, personalized for the occasion or recipient. I'm definitely going to hold on to mine.